✙ my old life and calling

In my previous life, I first graduated cum laude in law, then I made many clients rich(er) as a successful (or at least: well paid) lawyer-cum-business-advisor, and somehow in-between I also managed to write a multiyear bestselling book. Then, while comfortably living in the top quintile of worldly success at all levels, I gave it all up in what many thought (and many still think to have been) a reckless act of reproachable foolishness.

And at first glance they are right. Because now I'm homeless, living in my car, haven't cut my hair nor shaven my chin for at least the last three years, and I'm at the mercy of the perpetual use of - rarely very clean - public toilets... And yet, on second look, they are wrong nonetheless. Why? Because my current life is in fact structured as wilful asceticism practised to self-empty and kill my old-self, to learn (ia) humility (in my case necessarily: the hard way), and to follow the example of our Lord Jesus Christ by freely choosing to be poor with the poor. This would only be true foolishness if it wasn’t functional. But already this way of life has taught me a lot about my self, about poverty and wealth, about my so-called and true friends, about false and sincere humility, about self-emptying, about the difference between the de merito, the de jure, and the de facto functioning of the (institutional) church and her representatives, about God's (+) providence, about the profound effects of silence and solitude on prayer, and about much much more...

So… what happened?

Truth be told: my parents left the Church when I was still in my pre-teens. But ever since I had retained this academic interest in God and religion. Could it be true?

Then one day, unexpectedly, God (+) acted and let me experience more of Himself than I had ever imagined Him to be. I don’t know how or why, but it changed me. Completely. Now, twenty years later, and only after having studied, experienced, and searched a lot more, I finally begin to understand and start to accept what happened to me. But twenty years ago… I resisted with everything I had in me and ran away from what I couldn’t understand, couldn’t believe to be true, and - frankly - didn’t have the courage for. In shock, without any form of expert help and experience from others to help me make sense of what was happening to me, and not knowing how to behave within a world suddenly infused with mystical and paranormal phenomena, I willed my rational old-self to take over again. And soon it did, for the most of it.

Because I liked my life as a successful and well paid young professional. Therefore I had no intention whatsoever of surrendering my success, my income, my status, my possessions, and most of all my rational world view to…? Exactly… to what? To Whom...? Why?! Therefore I kept my rational skepticism, my wilful disregard for God's presence, and my fear as high as I possibly could, and I ran away. I jumped headlong back into sin, and continued for fifteen long years ignoring God’s call. Stubbornly resisting His mystical presence and influence on me, in my life, and in the world around me. And during all these years of running away I considered myself successful and lucky. But now, in retrospect - and to my surprise - I know that what happened to me fits from beginning to end into the well established Christian (and Jewish) mystical path, tradition, and effects. Therefore, looking back on those fifteen long years of resistance, I now know without a doubt that my resistance and running away was an unnecessary waste of time in which I was - to say the very least - the stubborn, stupid, and headstrong mule mentioned in psalm 32.

Because even though I am currently subsisting on a small fraction of what I used to earn, the moments of solitude proof to be a true godsend. And when combined with an inner and outer silence it becomes a blessing.

Apparently, God (+) knew what was best for me right from the start. And I can only thank Him for His love, His patience, and His perseverance with me. Because fortunately He waited for me during all those fifteen years, respecting my free will, until I finally - step by careful step - started surrendering myself to Him again.

So He won. For He was right, and I was wrong. All along.

You can read more about this, and about my daily schedule, on the next page.