Seven years waiting for the Church...

After seven years waiting, enough was enough. So I stepped back from trying to build my life as a diocesan hermit within the formal structures of our institutional Church.

…back to the world...

Not entirely. As my calling remains unchanged, with or without institutional backing, I will continue to live my life and calling by devoting maximum focus, time, and opportunities to growing in theology through prayer, study, and practice. The only difference is that from now on, I will do so as an undercover hermit, or a hermit-like layperson: outside the institutional Church, inside the world, but regularly retreating into silence and solitude for periods of prolonged Christian meditation and contemplation.

However, transitioning to an independent life outside of the formal institutions of our Church means I must now prioritise financial self-sufficiency over prayer and study. In order to cover my living expenses, housing costs, health care, and future retirement, I need to focus far more hours on earning a truly sustainable income again.

This means that a significant bigger part of my time must now be dedicated to building this new financial and self-sufficient foundation. Therefore, my time will become more limited. As a result, I am no longer able to provide the Christian education and knowhow I previously offered, as my excess time and focus must now pivot entirely toward realising my new life 'in the world but not of the world' and the necessary, independent, financial stability to make it possible.

…the church doesn’t help you then...

To put it plainly, institutional support was almost nonexistent. For seven years, I navigated a cycle of delays, shifting responsibilities, and non-compatible - direct and indirect - ulterior motives from various formal Church representatives, all the while drawing down my personal savings. This recurring lack of clarity, clear direction, and straightforward support made it impossible to build a traditional, stable, and effective 24/7 hermit life within the institutional Church, forcing me to look elsewhere.

…if the Church doesn’t help, what about others...

For seven years, I dedicated myself to providing free instruction, counsel, and strategic advice to both priests and laypeople alike. I modeled this high volume of pro Deo support on the ancient tradition of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, who offered their wisdom and experience freely while relying on the mutual kindness and practical backing of the community they served.

While it was a privilege to see positive short- and long-term results from my efforts (for an indication: see the comments and commentaries from a cross section of the people I've helped over the years) reviving this old-fashioned way of life in our current era proved unsustainable. Because with only a few rare exceptions—including two instances where I chose to decline sizeable help due to the donors' own limited means—it left me without a commensurate institutional and community financial backing. This lack of commensurate institutional and community financial support meant that continuing to offer my extensive services for free to all was, after seven years, no longer financially viable.

…seriously: you are surprised by that...

No, you are right, I am not surprised by that. I knew—and was warned (even by various formal Church representatives, multiple priests and various monks alike)—from day one that our modern church institutions mostly lack straightforward honesty and loving kindness. My former traditional hermit life began forewarned and with open eyes.

However, having accepted a calling to the hermit life, I felt I could not anymore rely on hearsay only. Instead, I felt I first needed personal proof before I could justifiably walk away from the institutional side of our Church. In other words: I had to experience this alleged and suspected dysfunctional reality firsthand, before I could justify to myself stepping outside of it. Now that I’ve indeed stepped outside and away from the institutional side of our Church, my path will remain firmly rooted within the mystical Church of Christ's body and the Roman Catholic sacraments. But it will from now on remain entirely outside the institutional structure of our Church and her formal representatives. 

So, no, I am not surprised. Seven years later, everything unfolded not as hoped, but exactly as expected and forewarned from the very start. It is as the Desert Fathers prophesied for our present day—and I found out by personal experience that they were right about it.

…and now what...

Well, the old days are gone; we live in a new modern era. The Desert Fathers would say we are now witnessing the beginning of the end of times. And given the reality of these past seven years, I am no longer looking back. I am adapting to this age exactly as they foretold and advised us.

Therefore, I will continue living my calling, but from now on as an undercover hermit, or a hermit-like layperson: outside the institutional Church, inside the world, but regularly retreating into silence and solitude for periods of prolonged Christian meditation and contemplation. In other words: my whole life will remain focused on searching, finding, and living with God (+) in unison with the Roman Catholic sacraments—but in all other aspects, it will be lived entirely outside the institutional Church and independent of her formal representatives.

…good for you...

Yes. I can finally stop draining my savings and start truly building my life around my calling. But because I cannot and will not compromise on my former rigorous hermit schedule of prayer, study, and practice, there is simply no time—and no financial room—to also keep giving away and sharing my practical knowledge and experience with others. Modern society is simply not built to lovingly and effectively support the offerings of a traditional 24/7 hermit's life. Therefore, after these last seven years I have no choice but to start strictly limiting the hours I spend offering my time, attention, and advice to others. Unlike the last seven years, from now on ensuring my own income and calling will have to come first. And only if time allows will I remain able to help someone else by teaching practical prayer techniques from the Desert Fathers' tradition and knowledge, like watchfulness, Christian meditation, contemplation, and self-emptying. But that will now become the exception, instead of being the rule as it was for the last seven years.

While I find it unfortunate to restrict this free sharing, there are simply not enough hours in the day. I cannot maintain my former schedule, and work to become completely self-sufficient without help from the Church and the people around me, and offer the intensive guidance to others on learning practical prayer techniques from the Desert Fathers' tradition and knowledge (like watchfulness, Christian meditation, contemplation, and self-emptying).

Therefore, I have three new choices. First, I can completely withhold my knowledge. This is the historical default for a traditional hermit. Or second, I can invoice people directly for my invested time and expertise in helping them, which is something current Church guidelines allow for. Though this is recently allowed, to me it feels contrary to both common expectations and Christ's intentions. Or third, I can dedicate up to a maximum of 20 hours a week to securing my own stable income first, and then use only whatever time remains of those 20 hours to assist others completely free of charge.

As said, I don't think the first and second option are correct. And the last, third, option is also not my personal preference. But seven years of giving away everything for free—hoping for the Church and/or others to help me get a minimal income in return, as traditional custom dictates—has shown that modern adaptations like this strictly capped 20-hour window is the only middle ground left within our modern society for my calling to remain financially sustainable. This is why the third option—the strictly capped 20-hour window—is from now on the only viable path forward.

…sounds fair enough, but what if someone really seriously needs your help...

First, to be clear: a traditional calling to silence and solitude requires and justifies—according to the Desert Father tradition—the maximum achievable seclusion and isolation. Therefore, it is inherently incompatible with being accessible to everyone at all times. While I chose to compromise on this boundary over the last seven years—patiently studying, praying, helping others, all the while keeping my door open in the hope that the institutional Church would partner with me on establishing a mutually beneficial plan—that period of patience has now concluded.

Consequently, out of sheer necessity I am now fully restoring my boundaries. This means that anyone seeking answers to religious questions or spiritual struggles will from now on be redirected by me to the institutional Church and her formal representatives, of which I am no longer a part.

While some may regret this step, it is exactly in line with how it should be. The formal representatives of our institutional Church—bishops, priests, monks, nuns, and diocesan hermits—are the ones with a Church-validated calling to shepherd and protect God's flock. They are specifically trained, ordained, and funded for this exact purpose, acting as Christ’s chosen and called representatives on Earth to embody and share His wisdom. Therefore, they should always be the first port of call for someone's spiritual and practical Christian needs. And every believer has every right to ask them to listen and help them with the Christlike wisdom, practicality, hospitality, and generosity that can be expected of a true shepherd and a directly from the Apostles descending representative of Christ.

…but if some of Christ's sheep remain lost nonetheless…

I find it hard to believe that such a thing is possible.

But if—despite her own Christlike moral standards written down in paragraphs 950–953, 2401–2404, 2443–2463 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church—the institutional Church and her formal representatives nonetheless leave someone unexpectedly helpless, I will not leave them an orphan.

This means that anyone remains free to call on me—either because they know where I am, how to reach out, or by using the contact form at the bottom of this page. I will be there for them to share my practical knowledge and experience in essential prayer techniques from the Desert Fathers' tradition and knowledge (like watchfulness, Christian meditation, contemplation, and self-emptying).

That said, a strict new boundary is nonetheless now in place. For I will only assist others if and when I can do so without compromising my own financial stability and my core calling to prayer, study, and regular retreats into silence and solitude. According to the ancient tradition and instructions of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, for me this must always take precedence over anything else. Because that is the calling I sacrificed everything for: career, status, income, wealth.

So from now on, my free assistance will be strictly limited to whatever time remains unused within my above-mentioned 20-hour weekly cap. In other words, every hour spent solving someone else's problem equals an hour taken away from earning my own basic living. Consequently, you may have to wait, or periodically check back to see if an opening in my schedule materialises. While this is a departure from how things were over the last seven years, it is the only sustainable way forward in our modern era. Because my time must directly fund my self-sufficiency—completely outside of the resources of the institutional Church and without the traditional societal support—with the 20-hour weekly cap I will still be looking at 60+ hour working weeks if I also want to remain truthful to my former schedule of growing in theology through prayer, study, and practice.

In summary: we live in a new modern era. The Desert Fathers would say we are now witnessing the beginning of the end of times. And given the reality of these past seven years, I am no longer looking back. Instead, I am adapting to this age exactly as they foretold and advised us: as an undercover hermit, or a hermit-like layperson: outside the institutional Church, inside the world, but regularly retreating into silence and solitude for periods of prolonged Christian meditation and contemplation. Always ready to help you. But within the limitations of our modern era.

Your brother in Christ, bartholomew.